Pagmumuni-muni ng isang lagalag

Nostalgia

He shall shout with all his might amidst the thunder and the rain.
And the nothingness of his soul shall be filled.

The spirit of silence shall bind you all in stillness.

Listen. Just listen and lend me your sight. And my face will show you all the thoughts I have. Take me for what I am. Take me for who I am. For I am just me, Badjung Talabusaw, flesh and bone of my great grandfathers.

I’m not going to tell you here about great exploits for I have none. Great exploits are the times of my forefathers. And I am just me, Badjung Talabusaw, a nobody. I am just someone who has never seen the glory of my ancestors. But let me share to you something. Something which is the only thing I have. Please, allow me to share the nostalgia. Yes, the wistfulness in my eyes. For the glory of my ancestors is a thing of the past. And the only thing I’ve inherited is the nostalgia brewing deep inside.

I admit I never felt like this before. Not within my ten years of solitary existence. I mean, just by myself. Shaping my own path the way I would like it. Dreaming the dreams I’ve shared with fellow dreamers. Dreams that made me dream of more dreams.

Nostalgia. But it's a different kind of nostalgia. It is melancholic longing of a soul tormented in its nothingness. Ah! Never had I felt this thing before. For nostalgia is an alien feeling to a wanderer. But now it is knocking right in the brittleness of my skull. And as it hammers down my heart, it brings me back to the dreamer I once called I.

Yes, it was the dreamer that started it all. He was a defiant dreamer. And in his youthfulness he believed that it is but rightful for a rebellious lad to go away. To search on his own the answers to his questions. And in his belief he was convinced to start the epic saga of going far away from home (or from the house). Yes, it’s just from the house since home has a feeling of belongingness. And when you don’t feel it, it’s merely a house. A physical structure. A mere shelter.

The insolent dreamer thought that it is a nature of troubled living. It is the law of nature upon families where the quest for food is more important than to feel the comforts of home. Knowing this, no guilt or fear could hound his solitary quest. And in such a situation, the lure of adventure is just too great to resist. Yes, adventure. Juvenile longings of a youthful soul. A rebellious soul! For what could be sweeter than to savor the taste of adventure? For what could be sweeter than freedom?

But then there are misadventures. And the law of nature declared that he who is young and solitary shall suffer the consequences of his ignorance. Of his arrogance. And so, the rebellious dreamer tasted the bitter fruit of his insolence.

But it is in his nature to struggle. He understood that it is the law of nature to struggle. To endure and persevere in hunger. Because surrender would be a certain death. Ah! Those were the days of hard toil. But he defied the scorching sun in the fields. He defied the law of weight like the enduring ant. The heavy sacks of rice and corn could not break his shoulders. The bone-breaking toil could not break his bones. The animalistic toil could only testify to his never ever wavering youthful vigor.

Such things though were not unique to him. For in this age of modernity, the glory of his ancestors is a thing of the past. And so, the consequence is for them to master the bolo before wielding the pencil. To master the plow and the carabao before mastering the books. And yes, his kind is conscripted to the proverbial toil in the fields!

The defiant dreamer lived on to dream more dreams. And in his eagerness to learn, he worked while studying and studied while working. He mastered his arithmetic from the daily habit of counting his extremely low wages (then 40 pesos a day which means working from 6am-6pm). But before he could multiply it and divide, nothing is left after subtracting the debt he had incurred in the sari-sari stores. Oftentimes the resulting difference is a negative, which prompts him to incur more debt.

But because he was adventurous, the dreamer persevered. Being young and eager to learn, he continued working while studying and studying while working. Hunger has been his constant companion. But he lived on with courage he never knew where he got. He survived the life and death struggle for existence.

Yes, he struggled more to prove his existence. And that struggle slowly nurtured the insolent dreamer into maturity. Despite his youthfulness, he learned the value of education. He learned that the struggle for existence is education itself. This belief molded the foundation of his maturity.

Those were the things engraved in the dreamer’s youthful mind. Study and find a good job after studying. Because a good job would have a good pay. A good pay would mean a sort of freedom, “economic freedom” for an individual. But then the concept of freedom grows while the bones are growing. And the rebellious dreamer has never tired of searching answers for the questions that stoked his rebellion. Ah! Those were deep-rooted questions that he always tried to dig.

Well, growth has its tow of changes. The change of the physical features and the workings of the mind. The gradual change of dreams. Ah! There was once a little dreamer nourished by famine. His bones grew strong with bone-breaking toil in the fields. His muscles were harnessed amidst the struggle to prove his existence.

Ah! It is true that the concept of freedom grows while the bones grow strong. And amidst that growth the insolent dreamer found the love of freedom. The love of freedom that grew strong while the muscles were harnessed by difficulties. The love of freedom inflamed with the memories of the scorching sun. Of the bone-breaking load upon the tender shoulder bones.

Alas! The love of freedom is no longer the selfish lure of adventure. It is no longer the selfish dreams of the insolent dreamer. Ah! The glory of his ancestors that he has never seen dawned upon the defiant dreamer. The glory of the people who are now slaves in this so-called age of modernity.

That was how the defiant dreamer became a man from the ruggedness of his youth. He came to know the love of freedom from the adventurous longings of his youthfulness. Suffice it is to say he was molded completely amidst the rat race. Well, it is no peculiar thing in a country where rat race is "normal". Survival of the fittest. That old Darwinian dictum. Or is it the law of nature?

Well, the dreamer came to value experience as a virtue. Yes, experience. It has bolstered his struggle for existence. And he lived on. He lives within me. Yes, within me, Badjung Talabusaw, flesh and bones of my great grandfathers.

I, a nobody, have survived this long because I am nourished by the love of freedom. I have lasted this far despite my nothingness because I have learned to love and be loved. This is by far, the greatest achievement I consider. This is the thing that brought me the only wealth I have – nostalgia.

I must tell you that before I have found the love of freedom, hate nursed me to survive. For it is a hateful thing to know you are oppressed. It is a hateful thing to know that there is no other role offered to you than to be a slave. A slave in the fields, factories, construction works and others. But when hate consumes you, you will never know why you became a slave. The thought of vengeance will make you forget history.

But then I have found the love of freedom. Ah! It is the love that made me strong. The only thing I have inherited from thousands of my ancestors. For did not my great grandfathers fought tooth and nail against alien domination?

Ah! I have learned to love and be loved! And it has brought me the only wealth I have – nostalgia. Yes, I have been far away from home for so long. And the memories of home are fleeting in my sight.

Ah! The insolent dreamer is coming home to share his wanderings. For he has come to know that there’s no place like home. Besides, his home is no longer the old cogon hut but the land of his ancestors. For is he not Badjung Talabusaw, flesh and bone of his great grandfathers?